Coal Mining Jokes.
 
Master ripper, big John, strong as an ox but a bit slow of thought, had his car dented in several places by vandals. He was worried about the cost of repairs and asked Dick the fitter for his advice.
Clever Dick said,
"What you need to do is put your car on your drive, go to the exhaust tail pipe and blow as hard as you can. With a bit luck the dents will smooth out."
Thanks Dick, "That should save me a bit money."
Big John, went home and tried the fitters remedy. Nothing was happening when his wife came out and asked what he was doing.
He explained what the fitter had told him.
A big smile came to her face; "I know why its not working John, you forgot to close the windows."
She knows you know. (lol).
I remember big John buying a Thermos flask for work because he was told it kept hot things hot, and cold things cold.
He took it to work next day and at snap time the deputy noticed the flask. "What's in there John?" "I just fancy a drop of tea."
"Sorry," John said, I've only got coffee and ice-pops in it."
Duh.
Haulage lad, Pete was a keen golfer. His mate's wife worked at the factory where they made golf balls and he got some for Pete at a special price.
Pete stuffed them in his trouser pockets and got the bus home. He sat down next to a young blonde, and she kept looking at Pete's bulging pockets.
Pete was feeling a bit embarrassed so he turned to her and said, "It's golf balls".
She still kept looking at him, and eventually she asked in a very compassionate voice.
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Davy bought his wife a mobile phone. He explained to her how it worked, and she loved it. She went shopping the next day and Davy decided to phone her up.
She was amazed when Davy spoke. "How do you like your phone?"
"I love it! It's small, fits in my handbag perfectly, and your voice is so clear. But one thing confuses me.
"How on earth did you know I was in Marks and Spencers?"
Once upon a time a king had a beautiful daughter.
The Princess had a problem. Everything she touched melted.
Everything, metal, wood, stone, everything.
Men were afraid to go near her, and she feared she would never get married.
The king was desperate for a grandson, so he consulted the best wizards and magicians he could find.
One wizard told the king.
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured."
Happy as Larry, the King held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt when the princess touched it would marry the princess and inherit the kingdom.
Two princes, and one young collier from Cowpen Quay, took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a sword made from the worlds finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The second prince brought diamonds. The hardest substance in the world and he believed they would not melt.
But once the princess touched them, they melted.
The King was inconsolable as the young collier stepped up; he was a fine looking man but he was covered from head to toe in coal dust. The princess hesitated as she approached him. But the king urged her forward.
"Put yor hand in ma pocket bonny lass and grab the contents."
Unenthusiastically the princess did as she was told. Her face was the colour of beetroot as she put her hand in his pocket and felt something hard.
She held it in her hand.
It didn't melt.
The king was jumping with joy and everyone was relieved that the princess was cured and the kingdom was saved.
The collier married the princess and they lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the collier's pocket?
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M& M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand .
Big John, the ripper took his car to the garage.
"A want a seven hundred and ten."
Everyone was dumbfounded, "What's a seven hundred and ten?"
"You know, that little plastic piece in the middle of the engine, mine got lost and I need a new one."
John said, "Look, I'll draw you a picture."
He drew a circle and wrote 710 in the middle of it.
Flummoxed the staff looked at the piece of paper. 710.
The manager was called in and was as confused as everyone else until he rotated to piece of paper.
"Look" he said; and it was clear to them all.
John wanted an oil cap.
Why did the miner only have three children?
He was told one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.
It was 1923 and a man was standing at the bar in the Blyth and Tyne pub in Blyth, Northumberland. His head was covered in scars and he wasn't a pretty sight. A young lad began sniggering and pointed the man out to his mates.
A big burly miner jumped up and grabbed the young lad. "Never, never, make fun of that man. He's a hero, there was a big fall at Crofton Pit and he stood with a wooden bar on his head for 6 hours holding the roof up while his marra's were rescued. That's why he bears those terrible scars."
"Am sorry mate, a didn't na", said the young lad, "He is a hero. But, how did he get that cauliflower ear?"
"Aw well, that happened when he was hammered into position."
Old Fred had been on face work all his life and he was tired out when he got home every day. He found he was no longer able to perform his marital duties.
He consulted his doctor who suggested a few remedies, but nothing worked.
In desperation went to a hypnotist who said "Yes, I can cure this with the power of suggestion."
"Great." Said Fred, "Get cracking."
The hypnotist put Fred to sleep and went to work.
After the session the hypnotist told Fred.
"You'll only be able to use this technique once a month."
"Tonight when you and your wife retire for the night, say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
"Remember, it will only work once a month."
"What do I do when it's over?"
"All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down.
Fred hurried home, as eager as when he was first married.
He was singing and whistling all evening, he spruced himself up, went to bed and waited to surprise his wife.
They were both in bed.
Fred thought, right, this is it, "123," and it worked like a charm.
Fred smiled as his wife turned over and looked at him.
"What did you say 123 for?"
Deputy went to one of his men after an accident, the injured man said, 'my leg, arm, head really hurt when I touch them.'
The deputy started feeling the mans leg, arm and head, 'Does this hurt? or this? or this hurt?'
'No' the man said.
Deputy, 'You fool! You've broken your fingers.'
Man fell down pit-shaft.
Deputy 'Have you broken anything?'
Man 'No, there's not much to break down here!'
Ripper had been for a good night out on the booze and managed to get a lock-in.
He wasn't bothered what the wife would say.
He staggered home at 6 in the morning, crept up the stairs, got into the bedroom and started to undress when his wife woke up.
"By your up early this morning", she said.
"Aye", he managed to mutter, as he turned double quick to go down the stairs.
A few one liners.
He's ready for a scrap, must have been eating meat again.
Deputy to ripper, your useless, when you die I'll dance on your grave. "That's good, I'm getting buried at sea."
What's that nail there for, next to the mistletoe? Whatever's hung there has to stay there for 14 days. "Put my pit boots up".
Kiss her under the mistletoe; "I wouldn't kiss her under chloroform".
That wants gobbing,
Her family is rich; you're in a good seam there.
That props set like the leaning tower of Pisa.
It's not a bad roof that traps you,
it's a good roof you become complacent with.
The face is like a banana, try shoving over at the face ends.
The AFC is creeping, another few days and it'll be walking.
Keep both eyes on the roof and one on the ground.(3 eyes???)
If you work any faster you'll stop.
See you on the brushes.
That centre lines like a dogs back leg.
Double det that one.
3 bells and wer'e off.
Wake up its home time.
I'm not sleeping, I'm just resting my eyes.
His legs broken shove him in the side till snap time. We're on piece work.
"Stop there it's not safe, there's a big lump ready to fall. " "It's the overman". "OK then, send him out".
That's a gaffer's light; better start working.
If you were on piece- work you'd starve.
Slow down, you worked the pits out up North don't do it here.
"I'm sure she bought ham for my snap". "aye the lodgers got that".
One good thing you'll never wear that shovel out, you lazy B.
Don't know why you have a pair of gloves, you only ever use one hand.
That bit's as sharp as you.
You've hit your head once too often.
You're as much use as a broken pair of limmers.
You work down wind of me.
Clever how you make those hollow packs.
Hope your lights brighter than you or you'll see nowt.
Hang fire.
He gets dizzy if he climbs on the scaffold planks.
If we follow that surveyors line we'll hit the supply gate.
I'm as tired as 2 fitters and 4 electricians.
Pit Songs.
Are You Lonesome Tonight. (Sunday Night Pre-shift Deputy).
Because of You. (We've lost 3 strips).
Candle in the Wind. (Old fireman's methane detector).
Crazy. (Managers new rules).
Deeper and Deeper. (The winders lament).
Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood. (New undermanagers plea).
Drama Queen. (YTS overman).
Eight Days a Week. (Fitters overtime rota).
Have I Told You Lately. (Stop cutting the floor).
Button Up Your Overcoat. (You're working in the fan drift).
Doin' What Comes Natur'lly. (As little as possible).
GIMME GIMME GIMME (Usual fight for weekend work).
We'll meet again. (When we fill our stints off).
LETS TWIST AGAIN. (Manager negotiating contracts).
SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW. (Electricians hide-a-way).
THE GREAT PRETENDER. (YTS Deputy).
TRAGEDY. (Thermos flask broke).
WHEN THE LIGHTS GO ON AGAIN. (Outbye transformer reset).
Don't Dilly Dally On The Way. (Fitter wanted shearer, broke down).
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